A Letter to Jews, Goyim and Non-goyishe Non-Jews from an Ex-Jew

Before I begin, how about that triple negative in the title, “Non-goyishe non-Jews”! Because Jewish culture has been powerful and Jews are unabashedly ethnocentric in their thinking, this actually makes sense. It’s a testament to the stubborn solidarity of Jews who faced persecution repeatedly over the millennia, culminating in the Holocaust. Now, the vastly Zionist Jews of Israel have turned that solidarity into unimaginable cruelty on Palestinians with the mass-murdering support of a dying Western Empire that weaponized rather than actually ended Naziism. This tie to a religion, Judaism, by lineage, I declare is over and really not helpful and that makes it no less horrendous to me that such lineage alone was tracked to murder and expel Jews. Ok, I said, “before I begin” at the top, but I actually began. Apologies. 

Ok, here’s the real beginning: Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Let me explain. I was born into a Jewish family but what does that make me? Well, certainly I have Ashkenazi blood. The most definitive study traces the genetic thread of Ashkenazi Jews to an approximately 500 to 700 year old bottleneck of around 500 to 700 people in Central Europe. A lot of Jews have what Jews call “the map of Israel” on their faces with the schnoz and all and those of us with this lineage have more congenital illnesses due to this small pool, perhaps. Newsflash: There is no such thing as a Jewish nose. That was Nazi propaganda and is only “truthy” because many people from Central and Eastern Europe have this nose. I’m not as easily pegged for my Ashkenazi lineage by looks but it shows maybe via ironic humor and musical ability, knowledge of Jewish food, a few Yiddish expressions and hair on my goddamn back. My dinner table growing up was a test of biting wit. Anyway, from the bottleneck back another 50 or so generations before Italians (who have a preponderance of Roman noses, incidentally) or some other folks got in there, perhaps my lineage goes right to where Palestinians are presently being mass murdered and starved by a bunch of shitty Jews armed by a shitty empire. Such is a very distant thread of genes which is little more than taking us all back to the purported origins of Modern Humans, maybe somewhere in Ethiopia.

Who knows? I look kind of French, according to some, but haven’t French blood. Certainly my more immediate ancestry comes from central and Eastern Europe, a heavy dose of Russian and German. Is any of that Jewish? Well, no, but my ancestry were all Jews as far as I know and that’s a lot of Jews. My great grandmother came from a family of 17 siblings, something absurd like that. Genetically, my parents were American so I can say I have 100% American genes. Parenthetically, sorry neighbors, Mexico and Canada, that we hogged the whole continent for the name for people from the USA. I am making up that it’s because Jimmy Reed and Blind Blake are from the USA and you haven’t had anyone nearly as great as that. OK, I jest, kind of, because I’m an ignorant American. Can you forgive me? It’s not my fault.

Really, given the genocide my country is fueling and genocides the USA has already fueled, I’m genuinely sorry you’re associated with us, but please consider our government is way at odds with the American People on the genocide of Palestinians. Well, the American people who voted still voted almost ninety-something percent to continue the genocide via Trump or Harris out of the notion they had no choice due to a two-party duopoly and for what I would call trivial reasons, but they are aghast at the genocide, which was at least a part of why Harris lost to the guy who supported Israel through their vile butchery of Palestinians during the 2018 Great March of Return. Unfortunately, American Jews, especially the shitty powerful ones disproportionate to their numbers are pushing the genocide and persecuting those against it or they’re just fine with it, and American Jews generally are more supportive of Israel than their compatriots no matter what. Alright, my essay here has gone off the rails. Let me get it back on track. The Jewish ancestry makes me riff a little. What can ya do? Stop your kvetching, I’m getting to it. You can’t suffer a few extra sentences? 

So why am I writing? In a nutshell, matzoh balls are fantastic without Exodus. They’re fantastic regardless of my ancestry. I know I identified as a Jew but, coming to think of it, I’m kind of leaning toward “fuck Judaism determining my identity.” I never bought any of the religious stuff anyway. My mom cured my stepdad of it, though at first he was waiting in guilt for a lightning bolt to strike him down. Still, mom identifies as a Jew as I did. The Jews were hilarious, but now the Jews have destroyed that, destroyed the charming self-deprecation and humility that marks the underdog and persecuted. My ancestors came from shitsville Europe, fortunately pre-Holocaust, or my charming self might have been only a disturbing unrealized dream by the Creator. 

For what was I in solidarity via identifying as a Jew? I really don’t know. There’s nothing I’m preserving worthwhile in this way. Bagels, which are actually Polish, are here forever and we won’t forget what a good one should be like and that putting sweet blueberries in them is dumb. If we do, that’s a bearable shande. Lox is Scandinavian and rugalech kinda sucks along with gelfilte fish (haven’t the Jews suffered enough than to eat that?). People won’t forget kasha varnishkas and kasha knishes and smoked whitefish and rye bread, which, again, are particular to central and eastern Europe, not Jewish anyway. The Orthodox Jews can fight the Zionists and say “You’re not Jews!”. Fantastic, let them do what they do. They are Jews, Jews claiming a ridiculously thin lineage and resulting right to land 100 generations removed, self-loathing kvetches on a shitty Jew-crusade of sorts but at the same time, irrevocably and tragically co-opted into a death machine, a fraud-state, buttressed by an ancient text with horrendous genocidal passages depicting a somewhat shitty God. They’re not my brothers and they’re not my people. I have Jewish ancestry. That’s pretty cool and unusual, really, and I even got lucky with my pretty punim. Thanks, mom, for that, but my solidarity is finished with The Jews. 

In closing I’ll say, The Jews are very influential and very ancient. They did what they did, they suffered what they suffered, they had great triumphs in many realms and now they’re genociding the Palestinians in the most horrific way possible, in a way that rivals the Nazi’s, even worse, for they’re showing it off brazenly while rich shitty Jews here snd elsewhere outside of Israel are cheering it on. Enough is enough. If you don’t practice Judaism, part of which is exactly believing your ancestry makes you a Jew, you’re not a Jew, and no, making matzoh ball soup and kugel on Passover doesn’t fucking count. That’s a charming tradition people with Jewish ancestry can keep. The Ten Commandments with Charleton Heston and a guy of Russian descent named Yul Brynner playing an assuredly black man named Ramses, is still wonderful anachronistic cinema worthy of mockery and also marvel at the sheer manpower of these epics from a bygone era. Let’s keep solidarity where it belongs with the people being bombed in tents in Gaza. I’m not holding this shitshow together. Sorry, Jews, I’m out, but I won’t be putting mayonnaise on my sandwiches or fucking ketchup on my hotdogs. I’m still a mustard and sauerkraut guy.